The Lord Is An Avenger

Only a few days ago,
Jesse Monday
Who I thought I could trust
Decided to forever betray my trust by throwing a chair at my head.

It was pretty lame and I didn’t like it.
So I put on a garment of sackcloth and covered my head in ashes and prayed that the Lord would make a footstool out of him.

Today, as I walked outside to do religious stuff I couldn’t help but notice a ticket from the University police on his windshield.

God is an avenger.
Let this be a warning to evildoers.

It reminds me of my favorite Bible verse. Hezekiah 2:5-6 says: “Beware of the wrath of God, all ye rulers. Flee from his sight, all ye rich. For the day will come when all the haters, and the liars, and the punk scrubs will be brought before the Lord of hosts. The earth will shake and the bones of dead will turn to dust, and he will say to them on that day, “i am going to punch your faces”

That verse got me through a lot of hard times, like the bread famine of 2003. Many of my readers were very young then, but you might remember that in 2003 we ran out of bread for some reason. That was the bread famine of 2003. It was in 2003.

Which brings me to the main point. If you throw a chair at a Christian, God will metaphorically throw a chair at you.

Wait, that’s not right. What I mean is that fate is like a chair you can’t sit in because fate threw it at you. Fate threw itself at you. Fate is a chair, but it is also fate. And so fate the fate threw fate the chair at you because it was your fate, which threw itself at you in chair form via its anthropomorphic self, which has hands and stuff that enables it to throw things, such as a chair version if itself at you.

Does that make sense? Because everything is actually a chair. Fate is a chair. I am a chair. This blog is a chair. If you are sitting in a chair, then you’ve been fooled because it’s actually a chair. Every word in this sentence is a chair.

But what is a chair, really? Four legs and a flat space you can sit on. It is basically a dog, but with a flat back. Therefore I vote we begin to refer to chairs not as chairs but as Australian flatbacks. Because some dogs are from Australia. Also, some chairs are from Australia. And as we have previously established, all dogs are chairs, which are actually dogs. Because everything is actually a dog. Every thing is a dogchair.

Jesse Monday is a dogchair.